Love until it hurts.

In no moment like this have I felt the need to be closer to the Father, chasing life in death I have chosen life time and time again, because He chose me.

He chose me.

I have lived this whole past year, involved in many amazing things, life changing things that have brought me to discover more and more who I am. But in this discovery I have found a broken girl, I wander in this place drenched in Hope, unable to truly give of myself to the purpose He created me for. All i know is that He chose me, as He hung on the cross, He still chose me and because of this i want to learn more and more to love like He does, to transform like He does, to rejoice like He does and to glorify the Father like He does.

As a child I used to pray to feel Jesus' heart, and these past few years I have seen glimpses of what that feels like, but in these last few months working with the greater community, I leave every appointment broken, broken down to the injustices of this world, broken for loneliness, broken for sickness, broken for thinking I cannot change the world

But i see heaven invade these spaces everyday, God's presence gives me strength to encourage, and to love strangers that come in to my office everyday. My desire to change the world comes from the heart God has placed in me, these dreams of justice, peace, unity and love coincide with His, I will not be blind to our brokenness because even in all of this muck, Jesus is glorified by our choice for Life.

To the refugee that comes in to my office- let Heaven come.
To the cancer patient that comes in to my office- let Heaven come.
To the lonely that comes in to my office- let Heaven come
and to the broken- let Heaven come.

I revel in the notion that Love is what will break the injustices of this world, and that God has chosen us to participate with Him. To love, and to love until it hurts.

I experienced two weeks ago, what I had experienced in many of my trips, that loving until it hurt is what keeps me alive, interviewing this older man, i realized that the hardship of immigration carries on for years, that loneliness and separation of true community has left people behind. As i wept for him, i knew i wept for all of my people. Many from Latin America are experiencing what this man is experiencing, the feeling of loneliness would not escape my heart, his sun drenched face, his scolded hands- everything didn't escape me, and my only reasoning is that this is because i have been called to make a difference, and because i need to live up to that purpose. Jesus, you have trusted me with so much, make me whole so that I may be who you see me to be.

I learn to love in different ways everyday, and recently with the Ecumenical Refugee Support Committee, i learn to love this government that continues to disappoint me each and everyday, I will love them, because it is through different acts of love, that they will be transformed.

We are not a Church of broken people, we are people that have chosen to stay broken, our brothers and sisters need us to stand and be who we are, so that we may stand with them.

"Your gift is not for you.
You cannot discover who you are by yourself.
It has to be in the context of serving people."
-Bill Johnson

Aqui se respira lucha

Every beat of my heart i want to live in worship.

 The Father has infinitely inspired me in these past few months, He moves me in such a away that makes me only want to be present.
I want my life to be a song that sings of freedom, of a girl who seeks peace and justice everywhere she goes, i want to love, love, love.

From May till now, I've been quiet with my own writing, I've struggled, I've matured, I've fallen, i've gotten up, I've moved on, I've learned to love again, to forgive- but most importantly I've learned to be present.
I've reencountered a passion for community that I thought was lost, I have realized that my love for justice is deep rooted in my love for latin america, but that those roots bring me back here, Hamilton.
I dream of a language that would unite us all, that would bring the Church to what it was originally meant to be, instead of waiting i want to be part of that process, i want to be part of the artistry that continues to create Kingdom within our communities.

As communities our duty is to love, despite our differences we are called to LOVE.
I have the privilege of being the daughter of two of the most amazing people i know, my parents selflessness and care for their fellow brother and sister has been contagious and has been a driving force in forming the person I am today.

Recently we dealt with the passing of  my dad's best friend whom because of the war in El Salvador was left as an orphan at a very young age, Matias didn't have any blood family, but he had us. In life and in death, we are called to love, we are called to envelop people with that beautiful grace Jesus so willingly gives us. Being an immigrant or refugee forces you to breathe struggle, to breathe fight, the injustices of the countries that are left behind are for ever imprinted in the spirit. The passion of the latin american community drives me to keep working towards the dreams that I hold close to my heart but that i willingly share. I refuse to forget that at this moment there are children abandoned on the street, i refuse to forget those that do not have a voice, the right to education, the right to living without war and violence. I refuse to forget those that are forgotten, the war in El Salvador 'ended' in 1992, but the many children left abandoned are still abandoned, Matias was one of those children. His passing has really pierced my spirit, because as a community we often forget what a small gesture, smile or act of kindness can do for someone that is alone. Let us be reminded of the people we get angry at in the Tim Hortons line, or the person we are screaming at in traffic, or the homeless person we pass by on the way to work, everyone has a story, shall we listen, love and be the community we are meant to be?

Aqui se respira lucha
Here we breathe struggle

This is a struggle with  a happy ending, we must choose that happy ending, the storm passes and justice prevails. I often struggle with all the wonderful things God has given me, but the thing is even though I may not be ready to receive or be who He has made me to be, I am ready and worthy in His eyes.

"Qué pequeñas son mis manos en relación con todo lo que la vida ha querido darme"

-Ramón J. Sénder

"How small are my hands in relation to all that Life has wanted to give me"

-Ramón J. Sénder

I am constantly given opportunities to see God's amazing purpose and love in others, i see it every week at the Hamilton Community Legal Clinic, I see it in Santiago's love and work with Refugees, I see it in Minnelle's commitment to bringing dignity and compassion at the funeral home, I see it in Nate every time he shares his music and vision with the world, in Alanna when she shares the musings of her wonderful spirit as she so deeply loves God's heart and wants to see a change in this world, In Carlos' untainted love and passion for art (and Easter Island ;) ), in Erica as she passes on her passion for learning and discovering, and in Ken as he embarks on his amazing journey in Ecuador- My dear friends, my family- your dreams help my heart keep beating. Thank you for being those beams of light on this earth.

Let's hear it for love!

Come Alive 

 Life is not meant to be lived in such a way that we tiptoe quietly into our deaths. Maybe we should take big leaps, big steps, dances and prances... It is wonderful and beautiful to be alive... and yet we are so careful and we conform to the world as if our lives were just meant to hide in the ordinary...

 I’ve allowed the hustle and bustle of life to overwhelm me.

 What makes you come alive?

I’ve been searching for some sort of meaning, purpose, inspiration that will bring me back to life, i’ve found myself walking around, with breath coming out of my lungs, but my breathing seems to be life-less, less life, less heart, less l.i.v.i.n.g.

  i need to come alive 
 where did my passion go? 
 i need to come alive

 We get in a routine and somewhere along the line, we start rolling with the punches. We start letting circumstances take precedence over our hopes and dreams. And Lately, I’ve been pondering a few things:  We were created to create. We were created to move with purpose. Today you have a decision to make. Will you choose to be consumed by your own personal comfort? Or will you choose to be so consumed with loving and dreaming for others that you begin to create change?

  “The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing- the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world. This is God’s love. It conquers the world.” – Francis Chan

  i need to come alive
 where did my passion go?
 i need to come alive

 how can i restore my heart’s life?
 i think the answer lies in honesty, being honest with myself, with the world and especially with my community. radical change only happens, when we chose to be radically changed ourselves. 

I am a wanderer, an adventurer, i have felt stuck time and time again here in Hamilton, my day to day, working at a cell phone store, school, and working with the AFH have slowly become part of a routine. i am stuck in a lifeless passion for what i do.

  i need to come alive 
 where did my passion go?
 i need to come alive

In this search for passion, i came up with a theory: at one point i was passionate about all of these things, and the common denominator was, people, i am passionate about people, i am passionate about change, about justice, about art and collective communities. What is stopping me from pursuing that? lack of honesty with myself, as much i love to love, i am afraid to love, and working with people, building community and creating change all include loving and being loved.

 we have been consumed by our daily routines that letting people be part of our day to day becomes fearful.
  i need to come alive
 where did my passion go?
 i need to come alive

i’ve been realizing that the only way for me to remain passionate is to be passionate about my friends and their dreams as well, building community around friendship seems to be the way of moving through the heart lines of life.

 Recently i was able to spend some time with some of my dearest friends:

 Santiago is on his way to pour out life in to the States for a few months (Set the world on fire!!) 

Minnelle is starting up a business she is excited and passionate about (GO GIRL!!)

 Nate is continuing to wow me with his music and beautiful ways of building community (keep changing the world, one community at a time, one heart at a time) He has a concert coming up, check it out!! ( https://www.facebook.com/events/445538782125859/ )

 and this weekend i got to see Carlos in action as he took pictures at the Carassauga festival, your dedication, love and passion for pursuing your dreams inspires me, keep at it! (http://www.flickr.com/photos/trakoroche/ )

 Thank you friends, you make me come alive. :)

 I will always find my heart wandering around the world, but Hamilton, your imperfection breathes life in to me, your schools, your children, your distinct communities make me come alive. lets keep creating change, life, and community

  we are worth the risk.

So again – here’s my question:
What makes you come alive?

 Go after it.

Find your passion and purpose and move with courage.

 and since we are being honest (hehe) There are certain moments in life that I miss.

This is one of them: Traveling across the world with some of my dearest friends & playing games in the Amazon with village kids.

Take me back to Latin America. My feet are longing to be on foreign soil.


 Friends: Lets Go!

Jump First, Fear Later

I came across this article a couple of days ago, it captures a lot of what has been tugging at my heart strings recently!
a quick update on my life, soon to come :)


This is the thing: When you hit 25 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

— Relevant magazine

"I can send you anywhere, right?"- Jesus

I have a lot of really great and encouraging updates, but I'll leave that for another post.

Tonight i want to share my heart, authentically pour out what my heart cries out for and at this point is screaming out for.

This past week ive been very busy with school work, im really teaching myself that procrastination is an addiction i no longer want to be defined by, so today my sister and i decided to do our homework together, worked out to be very successful, but very draining. Ive been emotionally and physically exhausted, i long for that sense of revival to fill my heart, for a feeling of flying, an extraorindary miracle to sweep me off my feet, so i can continuosly feel drunk off the Spirit of God. What the heck am i waiting for?? Seriously, Jesus longs to share with us His love and we stay there saying, "When will you arrive?"

Tonight i had to pause, literally go to my room, sit in my bed and say to God, what is this all about?, i am finding new areas where God pursues my passions in, i am happy with school (minus the crazy amounts of work), i love my placement, couldnt have found a better career, my family and friends shower me with joy. Yet, there is a form of discontent in my heart, something in me tugs at my heart strings and says "WAKE UP", ive said it here before and perhaps i hadnt not truly understood it, until tonight.

My dreams, my true dreams, consist of sharing the unconditional love i know, mending broken hearts, bringing justice and dignity to those that have been wronged, and wandering the nations, passing around Hope.

That.is me.

I have been a hopeless wanderer since i was a kid, always wanting to explore, yearning for adventure, but there was always a common subject "i dont want to be in Hamilton". What has all this fear and angst about being in Hamilton been about??

Fear
Fear

I have traveled the world, exploring, experiencing the most EXTRaordinary miracles and times. Knowing, truly knowing that God would show up in every opportunity i would have to show people His love. Why, WHY, have i not been able to do that here?? If i am called to teach peace, sow love, break the world indifferent from injustice, why have i denied the place i call 'home'?

In the past two years, i have been given opportunity after opportunity to work with the community, but have i truly fallen in love with the community, the way i am inlove with 'world'? It is not till very early this year, that Papa has slowly been sparking me with fire, for this community. Perhaps it has been because of my fear that i have never truly felt passionate for Hamilton. But my friends, i tell you, there is so much more Hope here then the hurt and dirt we see. If it is a true Kingdom that we long for, if it is the Kingdom of love, compassion, and justice we long for, Jesus has been preparing Hamilton for a while. Shall we work?

Being a social worker will be about providing Hope, solidarity, and encouragement to people, often 'bandaging' up the injustice and hurt people experience. We have been called to be more then just bandages in this world. Be light. Hamilton hurts, homelessness, addictions,violence, poverty all plague this city. We need more then just social programs to bandage problems. This is true for every community, for every country, but what is even more authentically true is the Hope that resurrects from Hamilton daily. Art being shared, music being composed, flowers sprouting from crevices of darkness. The people of this city are drenched in Hope. I am not made for this world, but God has not made a mistake in placing me here. :)

I truly do not want to dispell the Hopeful and encouraging messages i have shared about the amazing love God has sowed in me for the world, but for now, my world, my true stomping ground of Hope is Hamilton. I find peace in knowing that where He has placed me is where i need to fall in love, the more i know Jesus, the more i know His heart lives in the crevices of hopelessness and injustice. He is here.

Into the Breeding Ground of Hope

It feels as if January has been here for months and months. I started my placement just a few weeks ago, i went in with many thoughts, prejudices, self created walls and barriers.
Something in me kept saying "wait"
many friends encouraged me, saying they believed this placement would be good for me, that something wonderful would come out of it.
But I already had a wall building, a wall of fear, of confusion, one that didn't reflect who Jesus calls me to be.

Be love
Love more
Love until it hurts, love until love is the only thing that is left

starting to build relationships with these kids, putting a name to statistics and stereotypes, i was forced to become uncomfortable, out of my zone, and into the breeding ground of Hope.

So much need, so much darkness, so much hatred, so much anger. An angst built up by barriers and broken dreams, of let down children. Of the so many places and faces I've met in the last 5 years, i had not felt so hopeless then when i entered that school. We had forgotten that this was the chosen future we were deciding for children that didn't have a say.

But it was until i heard them sing, i heard their dreams, their aspirations, and a little help from Mumford and Sons. "but i was told by Jesus all is well".

There is a future beyond expectations and numbers, another world is possible for them and it doesn't have to belong in a Utopia. Sometimes i might come across as preachy and overally idealistic, but it is the only way i know how to breathe. My family left hopelessness behind, in a war that stripped them of their freedom, forced to make way in a place that was not home. Yet they have always hoped for a better El Salvador, one without violence, without empty bellies, with homes and freedom. So for me this will be my 'little' El Salvador for now.

We should all have "little' El Salvador's, places that bloom because of encouragement, kindness and compassion. These kids are the future, why have we given up, before their tomorrow has arrived?

I have a lot to learn, in the upcoming months, i have a lot to give in the everyday exchange and i have a lot to receive, for this heart that keeps afloat for the so called hopeless

Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve
My hands to learn