Dinner at Milita's

My eyes are invaded by tears, and that lump in my throat seems to follow me everywhere I go, I have questioned how long this feeling will be socially acceptable, because to me the flooding of emotion doesn't seem like it will ever leave my body. My heart keeps pumping amidst the broken and hollow crevices that have been left, and memories pop out of no where, sometimes making me feel like I am in those moments again.

A few weeks ago we celebrated my grandmothers 74th birthday, we would always have really deep conversations about life, that day was no different, I said to her Milita, what wish are you going to make for your birthday? and she said to me, I want you all to be happy, I want your dreams to come true, and I want you to sing like the most beautiful bird I've ever heard. My abuelita had this notion that I could sing like a bird, and she would always make me sing silly songs with her, like rancheras (haha)

Our family for so long revolved around the dinner table and around the woman with open arms and countless number of guests. I have realized that she gave me my first platform, with people coming and going, strangers, new friends, old friends, family- my grandma's house was always full of interesting and passionate people. I always wanted to have conversations with the adults and ask outrageous questions that many times my grandma encouraged. She never once told me, these are conversations for adults, she liked to hear me with my grand crazy dreams and ideas and would often help me develop them. The trust and friendship we had was not developed it was born in me, she would always remind everyone that because of me one of her dreams had come true; at age 7, I was testing her on the provinces of Canada and other historical facts so that she could become a Canadian citizen, the day she got her citizenship she gave me her little Canadian pin, and said "for my teacher' in her broken English.

The spot this amazing woman has held in my heart, has always made it swell with joy, with constant laughter and amazement. I have always spoken very proudly about my Milita, she truly lived up to her name Milagro (miracle), constantly reminding everyone around her that our journey's were connected miracles and that the tremendous love she shared was because she felt God's presence as she opened her heart each time. My grandma suffered a lot in her life, she went through a tough marriage, losing her son, fleeing from war, sleeping on the floor for months as a refugee in Costa Rica and finally a battle with her health. But not once did she ever say I am tired of fighting, even though her life had been inundated by war and violence, the peace she carried and shared was a testament that true peace is attainable. The fullness of God's grace carried her through it all, and she never ceased to give testimony of God's great love.

A week after my abuelita's birthday, she went Home to be with the Father. But she decided that her departure would be one last dinner party, hundreds showed up, to show love and respect for the woman that had opened her arms wide, to new-comers, to strangers and family every day of her life. When my grandma came to Canada, she became a mother for many, always having an extra room in her house for people that didn't have a place to stay or eat, she lived out the Gospel and when she wished for us to be happy on her birthday, she meant the fullness of happiness in loving, serving, dreaming and courageously walking the way she did.

What gives me joy is the freedom she is dancing in right now, I have a journal full of stories she shared with me, during her many stays at the hospital, we would sit on the bed and as she spoke I wrote. If my love for her can be explained in word, it would be 'thank you', I live in constant gratitude for everything she ever did, say or teach me. My heart is not hollow, its just hurting at the moment, I miss her at every moment, at home, at my uncles house where she lived, when I sing, when I write.  A couple of weeks before my abuelita passed away, we were talking about my trip to Tanzania, she was always intrigued by the country and its people and would always say "I want to see the pictures again, the people look so happy- we should go together". I promised her we would go together. My abuelita pushed me to the limits of my fears, and often challenged me to run harder for the things I believed in. The wisdom that our grandparents have, are miracles, seek out your grandparents, spend time with them, get to know them- the relationships you can develop will change you.

Set the dinner table today and always have a space set for a stranger- love, serve, be a witness. Our journey's are connected miracles.

Thank you Father for my Miracle, she was the most beautiful gift I could have ever asked for, grateful others were able to know your Love through her as well.

The tempo of my heartbeat

Ever stand in the middle of a field and let the wind just take possession?
In that moment do you find yourself invincible, do you allow yourself to be hopeful, full of peace and free?
does changing the world seem like the only option?

Ive had moments like that.
there was one moment in particular that changed me, while i was in the Bolivian Amazon, we would take day trips in to the town. We would spend an hour traveling by canoe, in the midst of mountains, trees, open water. I felt totally enveloped in the essence of the Creator. It has been to this day, one of the most amazing times in Worship for me. As the canoe would take off, all my heart wanted to do was give thanks and sing. The water was constant but still, there was a peace about the rhythm in the river that reminded me of God's heart beat. Strong waters, allowing a canoe to pass through its beating waves.
The tempo of my heartbeat adjusts to match the moment, and as my heart adjusts, so does God's, the way He loves each and everyone of of us, is unique to us, the surrendered love of the Father for his children is met with an, 'I know you'.

To be known, to be known as a daughter, to be loved by a love unmatched by words, consumed by the essence of His heartbeat, the only answer to give is, I am here, I am present.

But why only live for moments? Be present, allowing the essence of God to envelope us, to teach us, to walk with us, to love us.

When I realize I am not a broken daughter, but just His daughter, the only option for me is to change this world, is to love, to fight and break free of complacency.

The tempo of my heartbeat adjusts to match the moment, to match the hurt in my campesino friends eyes as they describe the war in El Salvador

The tempo of my heartbeat adjusts to match the moment, to match the hope the boys in Casa Hogar orphanage have in Venezuela

The tempo of my heartbeat adjusts to match the moment, when I walk in Toronto and feel a sleeping giant, saying I hurt, I am broken, I have talents, I will rise

Serving is an adjustment to our complacency, it is the difference between the noise of traffic and smell of pollution, to violins who spring breath into music, Serving is the touch of sunlight that brings the paintings of Monet alive.
Serving is breathing, it is running, it is living, living enveloped in the essence of God.

When your heart, stands still, in silence, it hears its beating rhythm, it finds its tempo, it finds its balance when swinging back in forth in motion, it adjusts to the moment, to the moment when life is breathed in.
May we live in acknowledgement of that moment always, allowing our hearts to feel life being drawn out, as God breathes life in to us, we are perfectly matched with the tempo of His heartbeat.

I will never be lost, I am a seed of this land

 Refined, redefined, found, loved, beloved, BE.LOVED
that is how this love letter starts

My spirit catches its breath as the love that invades my heart, tells me to heal the broken world.
Teach them how I love, Teach them how I love, my Father says
Show them how I love, my Father says
Act, He shouts
Caught on fire by my Fathers presence, I walk through the world wondering- how, when?
Sacrifice, Sacrifice that is what I am reminded of

Such a time as a this, requires sacrifice
It requires not just moments of faith, but a life of faith, at every second and every minute of the day
It requires presence, we have been called to heal this world
Healing doesn't include bandages to broken hearts and bruises, it requires total healing
Being bound to each other by Justice, we are responsible.

We are responsible, we must respond- It is time to express the happiness of being loved, it is a time to reach out with colors of joy, it is the time to love and forgive.

Our lack of understanding of how we are loved has decided our recent times, but this brokenness doesn't define how the fire of love can redefine, and refine

The little hands of Miriam, taught me that God's amazing power resides in the smallest of his people, Tanzania taught me that an awakening is constant, and that when desire to change the world is present, the little children need to be included

The gaze of the Yanomami people in Venezuela, transported me to years of colonization and hurt, but walked me through healing and break through, who we are resides in the depth of God's presence, we are never lost, we are seeds of this land

I will never be lost, I am a seed of this land

My heart has been scattered all around this world, planting seeds, trading beauty for ashes, giving roses interm of hurt and pain.

I walk the streets of Rio, with pain in my 14 year old heart, wondering why there is so much hurt, my heart gets tangled and all I want to do is  hide it. 'I don't want to hurt God, let my heart go'. Love, He says. Love

Touching ground in El Salvador, with plans and dreams bursting at the seams, I meet Love face to face, as He says, welcome home- time to love

I will never be lost, I am a seed of this land

Surrounded by mountains and love, I am bound to these people, I arrive in Bolivia, where freedom surrounds me and doesn't let me fade in to the distance, but says Be bold, you are free!

With hurt and terror, tripping in to history, Europe makes me feel trapped in a world, where I no longer feel God's presence, I called you to love here too, Ivania- why the fear, again?, He says to me
A love that took me to a land where I would never want to wander, with my feet dragging.
The love that searched my heart for more room, would not let me rest until I understood, that His love restores and I am whole again

Present

 present day, March 2013

I will never be lost, I am a seed of this land

Hamilton, you have been digging and tugging at my heart strings, running would be what I desire, but the stories of the people paint in me a canvas that fear was making me throw away
fear keeps us slaves in a cage whose doors have been swung open

I want to stir fire in to the hearts of the hurting, remember, you are beloved, BE. LOVED 

Clashing thoughts, presumptions, stigmas will keep us from loving
But tolerance is the brother of complacency, and only allows us to love those who are near, if we refuse to touch the hearts of those we do not know, we are refusing this world of a healed world.

Si no ahora, Cuando? If not now, when?- Mons. Oscar Romero

The way to heal is to restore, our foundations are shaken because the foundations are not founded in who we are honestly.

Let us revamp our visions, our hearts

Serving

Knowing that  we are seeds of this land, scattered to love, scattered to love until it hurts

In a world that doesn't need to paint over bullet holes, In a world that doesn't leave children without mothers ravaged by illness, In a world where our indigenous people's are  no longer being treated less then human, In a world where there is no need for refugees, just human being accessing freedom free of borders

On earth as it is in Heaven.


I will never be lost, I am a seed of this land

Specialize in the Impossible

Specialize in the impossible, sings to me, a slow and steady drum, a strum that adds to my breath.
Constructing with my hands, the ordinary becomes miraculous
The land underneath me is alive, it is a flower of fire, a volcano connected through my veins

If its about loving, don't let my spirit rest, I ask.
and my dream is granted.
If its about loving don't let my spirit rest, I ask
and strength is given
If its about loving don't let my spirit rest, I ask
and my heart is expanded
If it's about loving don't let my spirit rest, I ask
and I am given myself back, I am given my people back.

To know our people , is to know ourselves
To know ourselves it is to know, the Love that knew us first
and to know Love, we know that when it is about loving we shall not rest.

at this moment in Rexdale, Toronto, there are people incarcerated for coming to Canada, because they are being kidnapped in Colombia, because they are being forced to be child soldiers in Sudan, because the drug lord in Chiapas, Mexico has killed everyone in their family, because they are being trafficked, tortured, and killed for being Roma.

at this moment in a small town in Puerto Rico, their is a young boy expressing his thoughts about being colonized in the 21st century, the expression bleeds hope on the wall, "I will be free".

at this moment, native Amazonian people are being pulled from their lands in Brasil, their lands are being stripped from them to build... a highway

at this moment there are people that are bound by Justice, in Canada, in Latin America, in Africa, everywhere, every place where when it comes to loving, the Spirit doesn't rest.

The dreams that we cultivate are manifested through the value we pour in to the path we have decided to take.

I am no longer in dream mode, dreams that have become paused never move with the rhythm our generation is demanding.

I am in walking mode, every step I take, is a step that would have been impossible, impossible if my uncle Francisco Efrain would have not decided to fight with the revolution in El Salvador, a step that would have been impossible if my family wouldn't of fled  El Salvador. But this would have been impossible if I wouldn't have realized, that the war, the torture, the hurt and pain that my people still breathe like pollution, shouldn't have happened.

My purpose is Peace, my generation is bound by Justice. We are the demand of our people, we must specialize in the impossible. Impossible for lifeless bodies, but possible for bodies that are not our own, possible for Spirits with a call, possible for hearts that are interconnected with the musings of the Creator.

I am no longer in dream mode, dreams that have become paused never move with the rhythm our generation is demanding.

I am in walking mode- walk with me.

Choose what gives your heart the most integrity

- It is Love that makes the revolution

"Choose what gives your heart the most integrity".- Nathanael Gerber

Since Tuesday night these lines have been playing in my spirit, unable to shake them off, I live in this statement and say that I will chose, that I want to choose, that today I choose.
 I choose my dreams, I choose my dreams of seeing justice in this world, I choose my dreams of passionate people making a difference in every corner of this world, I choose my dream of peace on earth, I choose to forgive myself, I choose to forgive you and over all I choose to love, to rejoice, to passionately keep fighting.

The notion of feeling tiny amidst skyscrapers, when in my heart a giant roars is a betrayal to the Love that chose me. In 2010, I was surrounded by mountains and dreams, I was being swallowed in to the most beautiful, consuming scenery of Latin America. Feeling small in the Amazon, was a testament to the beauty God had created, embracing it; is a testament to the beauty God has created in ME.

Fear has since been trying to cripple me, cripple my heart, cripple my dreams, cripple my speech, cripple my writing and cripple my strength.

The first cry I declare in victory is with pain, with honesty, with fear that is being overcome by God's faithfulness and abundant grace in my life. Amidst a life that breathes, a lifeless skeleton is what I was choosing to live in, even though the fire of truth has been trying to burn through me, today I choose to burn, burn, burn.

I choose to burn because the injustice in this world is not a crippling cancer that cannot be cured, but a thorn that will be pulled out and eradicated if those of us that choose love and unity decide to stand up!

If love remains, which it does, If the love that keeps giving continues too, which it does; we stand with every human being, we will fight against the disgusting plight of sorrow and hate we are meeting the nations with when they converge on to Canadian soil.

If love remains, which it does, If the love that keeps giving continues too, which it does; the immigrant and refugee will be greeted with open doors, not with  hesitation that they will make our borders unsecure.

The hatred that fills our hearts is enough, ENOUGH is ENOUGH! Many of us have dreams of going out in to the nations and bringing the good news, yet when the nations come to our country and they so desperately need our love and compassion, we are afraid for our security. How dare we have the audacity to want to serve the nations, yet we inadvertently will only serve them if they do not decide to invade 'our land', use our services, take advantage of our tax dollars, and ruin our economy? How dare we not be standing up in the masses for the refugees and immigrants that come in to our countries?

I choose to love the refugee, because it gives integrity to my heart.


If love remains, which it does, If the love that keeps giving continues too, which it does;
We will not stand by and watch our government support the mass murder of people in other countries, we will let our government know that the lives of the Palestinians are as valuable as the lives of the Israeli's. We will let our government know that the systemic hatred they impose on to the Roma people, who were also victims of the Holocaust is not just unacceptable but participating in murder and perpetrating violent and hateful societies.

 We will let our government know that ignoring and ensuing hatred towards those living in poverty, will not just make for a more unjust, uncompassionate society, but will continue to build a country fuelled by consuming indifference. When will we learn and stop saying, "never again", when will we refuse bandaids like Ontario Works and food banks, and actually hold our government and ourselves accountable for the poverty that drowns our society ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

I choose to love the Palestinian, the Israeli, the Roma and the poor, because it gives integrity to my heart.
I choose to fight back against the government with love, If we continue to choose love for those that are marginalized, love will break indifference!

If love remains, which it does, If the love that keeps giving continues too, which it does;
We will stand with the First Nations community, not just in Canada but around the world, as our native people have had a glimpse of forgiveness and an end to sorrow, only bandaids have been applied to keep them shut. May the journey of forgiveness, be met with justice, met with an end to hatred, an end to sorrow, an end systemic violence, an end to promises unkept. Creator has given us this land, so we may live together in unity, but to live in unity without repression. I stand in Solidarity, not to help, or give answers, but to love, to love those that love this country so much, they are willing to rise up!

If love remains, which it does, If the love that keeps giving continues too, which it does;
I choose today, I choose Hamilton, I choose my present. I choose to live everyday in God's presence, bursting with joy because the love that He gives me cannot be contained. I choose to release the honest and beautiful truths, that God shares with me, I choose to remind you today, yes, YOU that there is no such thing as help-less or voice-less, we simply see helpless or voiceless because we have forgotten of the great courage and strength that we carry, the fight that we may feel, has been overcome. Overcome your fear to choose what gives integrity to your heart.


I choose all of this, because love chose me, because what gives integrity to my heart is Freedom, the freedom that was given to me as True Love hung on the tree and said, 'IT IS FINISHED'. We are free, free to stand with the refugee, free to stand with the marganalized, free to stand with the victim of war. Free because we were chosen by Love himself, to love one another.

- Chose what gives your heart the most integrity